Fears

The day I found out I was pregnant, my whole life changed. Reading the positive symbol on the pregnancy test was so overwhelming I had no idea what I should be feeling or how I should react. Jessye was positive that I was pregnant I’m assuming my overly B****ing gave it away and the raging hormones that was on full affect. Phoning him during his nightly shifts at work, crying about how I hated sleeping alone in our fairly new apartment and not having to see him in the morning when I was off to work. Prior to my pregnancy I had no problem sleeping on our queen size bed and not having to share the blanket.
 

I’ll never forget Jessye’s reaction; it was what I’ve always imagined full on tears and excitement in his eyes. Till this day we joke about how the roles were reversed, I should have been the one in tears and jumping for joy whereas he would be pacing up and down our apartment wondering how and if we can manage a child in our lives. I remember him trying to get me to sit down and talk about how amazing this news is and how we will share the news to our families. All I could thing was S**T how the heck am I going to tell my Muslim family that I am pregnant and not married until the following month. I was excited. Becoming a mum was very important to me, both Jessye and I adore kids and have been around children all our lives, I had no doubt that we would not be good parents the only doubt that I had was can we financially do this.

It has been a roller-coaster dealing with my fears, bringing a tiny human into this world, sharing the news to the families and how this impacts mine and Jessye’s marriage.  Thus far Jessye and I have been doing well we do have our moments of unsure but we always seem to get it together and help one another. He has been a great support helping out around our home, cooking on days that I couldn’t, cleaning up after me (I do get messy). I don’t know if he knows how much I appreciate everything he has done for me, thanking him feels like it’s not enough. I just hope he knows how much I love him and couldn’t have gone this far without his love, support and deep understanding.

The fear of going into labor runs through my mind daily, scared that something tragic will occur in the hospital that my child will be breached and I would have to go through an emergency caesarean , not that I have anything against C-sections it’s just not my first choice. I would rather have a vaginal birth but if I have no choice than yes, caesarean is the way to go. Will my child have any deformities? Will my child grow up and become a serial killer, the most bizarre scenarios runs through my brain, and I know its normal for pregnant women to have crazy vivid dreams but I just can’t help but think of these things.

For now I think I should just focus on eating healthy, getting enough exercise and loving my growing family. Leave the stress behind me even though it’s hard at times when you have people in your life that strives on negativity. My life is about my family Jessye, Arya and our two fur balls. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with other people’s insecurities or have to explain why I choose the way I plan to.

Nabila xo